LJ Post 1492527

Obviously I won’t post everything publicly, because that wouldn’t be the best idea really.

It’s been just over a month since I lost my home, two months about since somebody I trusted completely smashed my faith in people and broke my ability to trust people and three months (give or take) before it all started to happen.

I’ve effectively also lost my job over this situation and that frustrates and angers me that what never had anything to do with my work, has turned in to a personal punishment. The only thing that I was able to use to escape the realities of everything I was dealing with taken away.

I’d go as far as saying, the only thing that I enjoyed. Which of course as it was done very cloaks and daggers behind my back, pretty much ruined any chance of being able to trust anybody for a very long time.

The worst part of it, is after everything this guy has done and put me through, I still care about him as a friend. I’m concerned how he’s doing and how he’s getting on in this situation. I feel horrible that he’s been kicked out of places, doors closed in his face when he’s asked people for help and the anamositity that has been coming his way.

My friends for the most part have been telling me nicely that I need to not care, that it shouldn’t affect me to the point where I cry myself to sleep every night. But they’re getting fed up with it, I’m getting fed up with me and having had more than one intervention at this stage, it’s pretty hard to deal with.

Since then I’ve spiralled downwards, I’m genuinely concerned that eventually I’ll hit rock bottom and nobody will be around any more. I don’t have a relationship and right now I could really do with the stability of somebody who loves me for all the reasons I hate myself right now. I need somebody who will just hold me all night and help me just deal with all this; because I can’t.

I’ve completely lost control of my life right now and I don’t know how to get it back, how to be back in a position where I can go home to my own bed and not just somebody’s spare sofa bed.

So there you go, everything in a nutshell.

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