LJ Post 1365870

So this is probably not going to be visible for sometime, so by the time you read this it will be the future and these isn't anything that can be done at this stage. So don't worry yourselves with it. I write pretty much my life to this journal and it needs to be said that even all the shitty stuff is here to.

In fact there are some pretty dark times on this journal I'd you look hard enough (I never delete anything).

Right now I'm feeling pretty shit about the world and life in general, I've got literally no money, I've downsized and sold what I can and still I basically have nothing to show for it. From day to day I just exist, I don't actually live in any sense of the word. I wake up, waddle to my train, get 45 minutes sleep, wake up, go to work, come back, eat and sleep.

This happens 5-6 days a week, no change what so ever. It's mundane and actually really depressing to have to deal with, some days I ask myself "would it really be that bad if I didn't wake up one morning to face this?". The terrible thing is it wouldn't be at least it would be a change.

I've now got to the point where I only have £1.66 to last me a month, with the 25 I had from what was left of my wages I spent £20 on electricity and £5 on food and household things like shower gel, deodorant and ib profen for my car related injuries.

With that £5 I bought 2kg of chips and sausages, so for the next four weeks it's literally going to be the same every day. With the fact my usual electricity usage is about £30 a month it means I also have to give up watching television as I don't even have the money for it.

I'm pretty much at the point I don't know what to do, I borrowed from pretty much everybody, I sold most of my things on eBay, I don't even have the comfort of hiding in bed as I no longer have a bed!

I'm not so bothered about the whole lack of social life as i got over the fact I'm lonely and that's just how it is.

But what makes me panic is what happens when I run out of food? I've been in that place once when my mum took off for a few months and left me on my own with nothing. I spent two weeks eating a tub of breadcrumbs until that ran out, that's when I didn't eat anything for a month.

I remember eventually you get over the fact your body just is literally hurting for food, that was easy. But what it does to your mind is another thing.

I once saw this random kid in my school walking around with a pizza slice for his lunch, what at that stage went through my mind was how I was going to take it from him. He was a moderate size and I came to the conclusion that I intended to stab him with a pencil in my hand.

Yeah, I was fully prepared to wound somebody over a slice of pizza.

Something stopped me and it most certainly wasn't a conscience, guilt or any thing like that.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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