LJ Post 1265824

Let me tell you a story of where I started from. I did it once back in the day when I found emotion, it was brought on by one person. The only person in history to hurt me, burrow down and cause the utmost amount of pain in the world that burns and stabs even further to this day.

When I was 6 months old my parents split, my mothers addictive personality found that weed, then crack and finally heroin was much better than her kids. As my father had fucked off some time ago my half brother obviously had a bit of an advantage.

So eventually it culminated in her leaving me to fend for myself. It was 1999. By that time my half brother was smoking up weed at his fathers house quit school and becoming a complete doley thanks to me. When I was 4 years old I was running around keeping his ass breathing.
Shows me fucking right really.

Anyways, moving on (because I seem to be well good at that), it was 1996. I had changed from design teschnology to business, and one the first day I met the most amazing man to walk this shitty fucking evil planet. His name was frank, he was beautiful on the inside and on the outside, at first I knew there was going to be a bit of a problem, for the first time in my life in the queue in to that classroom I found myself in awe to him. I eventually became friend with him, over a year or so when I finally succombed to him. I fell in love. This was an extemely odd point in my life, I’m a technical boy, everything works in a begining middle and end there is no feeling or movement in the act of breathing and existing, point to point.

He made me feel better about myself, he made me feel I am important but most importantly he made me FEEL.

I tried to do everything in my power to make myself more attractive to him, I found myself even outright lying to woo him. I only lie to people to get what I wanted to survive.

Every moment was about him. But alhough he was the sweetest man on the planet he would have never wanted me. He wanted women.

I tried to tell him, but I never wanted to lose him, I rather be a friend thanmnothing in his life; I don’t think you understand how much he meant to me, I eventually told him in an email.
He was alright but wasn’t supportive, so how could I tell him I loved him so much?

I never did in the end. I regret it.

I would give my life to have one kiss, nothing ore just a kiss. I still love him. Nobody has evber made me feel lobve other thann him. he’s everything, i’m nothing.

i dont want to be here without him, ive spent 11 years trying to forget. i cant. every day is painful. like being astabbed in the face. nothing but pain.

without him i feel dead. I want to be dead. i can’t deal with this.

there is nobody on the planet that i care about other than frank. i had a dream about him not too long ago and I woke up crying. me crying? honest;ly.

why does it still hurt, why has nobody replaced him in my life.. just why?

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